I will remove your stubborn hearts and give you obedient hearts

Like most posts, I have no idea where to start. Sitting with my back up against the wall in my more than spacious bed, I'm not sure where to go with my thoughts. I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am as a person, what I stand for, what is important to my heart. But more so I've been thinking about other people and their thoughts, and studying them. I do that a lot, I like to watch people and see how they communicate, listen to the tone in their voices, understand what strings them together..things like that. I guess what I'm getting at is that people just generally don't care very much about anything but personal gains. How can I better my life and the things that are in it. I need to reach a certain image to gain the notoriety I feel I deserve. How is that in any way enjoyable? What will that bring you, if you ever achieve it? I've noticed how much little respect people have for each other, how little impressed or appreciated people are with their peers. Is that an example of how little we express ourselves in what we truly believe? or in what we truly have passion for? Why are we so afraid to talk about things of significance, we find ourselves talking about things with minimal to zero importance at all...on a daily basis, and our brains are hating us for it. It's frustrating for me, it really is. That's something about Africa I miss, life was valued at a much greater cost..every day, thankful...every day an opportunity for something important, to express appreciation, to live differently than the day before..to express thanks. Why can't we do that here? In Portland, OR. Do our lives have that much going on in them, that we can't focus on being better people? Respecting one another, taking focus off of yourself for once and understanding what it is to be humble and caring towards others..others who you might not think worthy, who might squander your efforts, who might laugh at you. It's worth it, to me at least. Seeing an improved character is exciting to me, seeing people live life with meaning and passion for others..that's exciting. I'm thankful, I really am. And I'm excited to continue growing and listening and not being afraid to allow myself to FEEL. Because feeling and caring and truly breathing, is the joy in the journey. 

            

Mold Me

Returning from Africa to begin a new childhood wasn't easy, I remember having to make new friends and having to take a liking into things I wasn't used to. Things were a lot different, my parents no longer together, a void that I hadn't experienced and just kind of adapting to life without a dad. My mom worked full-time and thinking back, I didn't really see her very much, which was hard for her because she didn't choose for things to be that way. Life was full of freedom for me at a very young age, but I was prepared for that, because I had the same freedom back in the village in Kabrousse. Remembering all of this makes me realize why I grew up so fast, why I am the person I am today. Without a dad to talk to and with a mom that struggled to understand me and be able to invest the time she would've liked, I was given up to God. I was an incredibly angry boy, I really was...very bitter towards both of my parents and just didn't want anybody to telling me how to do things. I was young, but I felt like both of my parents abandoned me and told me to just do it myself, figure it out Andrew. I had more freedom than any kid my age should ever have, and it's a blessing I wound up that man I am today. I remember I used to never want to be home, I always felt a much greater connection with my friends and their families, because I couldn't experience that at home, I didn't know what that was like. I used to walk around telling myself how great it was that I was mentally strong enough to be able to handle so much at such a young age, looking back, it's incredible the hand that was placed on me and how little I wavered towards darker things in life, because of that. I'm very thankful for God's ability to take care of the broken. Even going back and thinking about everything, I wouldn't change it. The things that are presented to us in difficult times, are what mold us right? It's what we decide to do with those moments that dictate which direction we want to go as people. My childhood makes me strive for that much more, it's what I look to when I'm working on myself. Do I want to be a great father someday? Yes. Do I want to be a husband who loves his wife wholeheartedly? Yes. Those are things I value immensely. I would never in a million years want for my family to have to go through the things that I did, raising myself in such a make shift way. But I never in a million years would trade those experiences, and that shouldn't sound weird..we should want to understand and be able to feel what hurt is, so that we can relate and be good examples for those people down the road who are struggling through the same battles. To this day it's a struggle in my relationships with my parents, but I understand that, I want to better those relationships. Healing takes time. And in that time I've realized all of this.

I think it's important for you to talk about things that have shaped your life for good or bad, talk about what you want to be as a person, how you want to impact something. I feel like people aren't sure how they will be greeted, if they decide to live differently. Share your thoughts, strive to be someone who is respected and somebody of great character and humility. We have no guarantee of our next heartbeat. I think that in itself is a reason to be somebody of significance. Seems to me like, right now is the only moment that matters. So right now is what I'm focusing on.

I want to leave impressions and be drawn into things that really matter.

Set yourself free

Looking around my room I see little things that remind me of the past. I see a few pictures with my sisters and I and a couple odds and ends from the village in Senegal. Little reminders of things that I appreciate and things that will allow my mind to remember great times in my life. Healthy things to hold onto. But unfortunately so often people are grasping for things that are unhealthy...memories from moments of hurt, anger, heartache. Why do we do that? Why do we allow how somebody else treats us, dictate how we function. I learned a long time ago that pain is something that I will experience, multiple times over. No matter how hurtful someone is to you, no matter what promises they make to you, just to turn around and break them..you just need to let the feelings go, honestly...let the feelings go, your soul deserves that. Our hearts were designed to withstand a great amount of weight, so push yourself through. There is far too much good in this world to focus on things that bring us hurt.Past relationships, friendships, divorce, whatever your story is just allow yourself the change to escape from the pain you're in right now. You can't truly breath until you understand that your way of thinking, is not going to work. It's hard, I understand that...but what's harder? Being in bondage for the rest of your life, or practicing personal growth and breaking through barriers in your life that need to be broken through. Watching people volunteer themselves for chance to step in quicksand, multiple times over...is disheartening, because they so badly want to believe that those memories and that past whatever, was something it just plain wasn't. You can change what you're used to, and turn it into something you aren't used to. It takes guts. Guts that are in there. Find them, so that you can allow yourself to truly be free from the past, current and future.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds 

Psalm 147:3 

Life Punches Hard

I don't think I've ever sat at a computer as long as I have tonight, trying to figure out what I'm going to write about. Do I start with a title, or do I write everything first and then worry about title later? I definitely titled it first after a good twenty minutes. Anyway, I haven't written since before summer, and I was really beginning to miss it, so I decided what the heck...I took a 3 hour nap tonight and feel inspired to do something other than watch something on a screen. (technically I am watching the words get added to this screen, but don't get smart with me) 

Life Punches Hard

I've never been good about going to others for help, I mean, it could be about the smallest of things, it could be about anything...I just have never been good at going to others. I think a lot of that stemmed from when my parents divorced as a young kid, and just kind of mentally relying on myself throughout the years. All the difficulties and issues that have presented themselves, I've taken it upon myself to say okay Andrew, you've done this since you were 11..nothing has changed. I tell ya what people, no matter how strong you're emotionally, spiritually, physically..don't do that. The world hasn't been all sunshine and roses for me lately, and it's been frustrating. We've all been there, some of you even now, and it's one of the most discouraging things to overcome, because so often we think we're alone in the whole matter. Friends who were supposed to be there, no family, whatever the hurt, whatever battle, you aren't alone. I'm not either. We all have our battles, and we all make decisions on how we overcome them. I hope that you don't give up on yourself and make poor decisions, because we need to value ourselves at the highest amount. I believe we were each created for our own specific greatness, and hell...it's really hard for me to see that greatness right now, imagine the thickest fog, imagine a heart full of hurt, a brain that jumbles every life moment into one. I'm lost...and who likes admitting that? I don't. But we need to admit it, we need to ask for help, we need to reach our hand out and say I can't do this sometimes. I know everyone has something that they turn to when life is punching, hopefully healthy, but the last few days I've gotten down on my knees and asked God to help me. I don't know His timing for me and my life, and the awesome plan I have. But just asking for help, admitting that I can't do it alone, has opened my airwaves, from all the fear and discouragement and overwhelming thoughts. It's an incredible feeling. Nothing has changed in my life as far as work goes, or issues with friends or whatever, but allowing myself to get down and say I need help...has put me at peace with the difficulties sitting in my lap and I trust that they will all find a way to work themselves out. For the people who don't have anything to turn to, or think that at least, I promise you that there are people out there who want to be there for you, who want to help you get through the shit. I promise. Being that support is one of the most difficult and emotionally demanding things to do, but my heart was designed for those with problems, for anyone who doesn't have anywhere to turn. And I thank God for making my heart this way. 

I know, it's rough. And not what most of my friends want to read, but I needed to write it. I'm going to try and keep these going again, just so my mind can stay active on something positive. So until next time. 

Closest to my heart, yet so far away.

Tonight my feeling would be frustrated, confused, maybe more but I don't want to complain. I just had a conversation with someone who I care about a lot, and no this is not some sappy love story..it's hard because my personality is so much different from theirs and my life is not really comparable at all to this persons, but maybe that's what makes my heart care for them, I don't know. Anyway...I just wanted to write about how we as friends or we as loving people are so often left feeling empty or like we've wasted our time or our emotions in investing into people who might not accept that care the same way that we would like. I want to tell people who feel aggravated about the fact that not everyone is the same and that not everyone knows how to react to so much love and care and that it's okay. For me personally, I can only be myself, I can continue to love people the same way, and care for people on levels that maybe they don't understand. No matter the reaction I get back, I will continue that way...because we don't know when people will decide to break down their barriers or whatever is holding them back from being caring passionate people and making friendships/relationships deeper and that much more powerful. I guess that's the joy in the journey for me..the anticipation in seeing people change. You might think to yourself about all the times you have tried being a good friend or felt like you were the only person giving any effort into a relationship, and how frustrating that feeling is, but I encourage you to continue doing those things, continue loving those people even if you aren't seeing a high return of care right away, because we truly don't know when the people we do care about most, will grasp what you've been trying to do for days, months, years, and understand everything you've done for them is caring on a high level. I find that people give up so quickly on being genuine human beings, because they get shafted or left in the dust by somebody that mistreated them, or someone who abused the time and love you attempted sharing with someone, and it changes people in a negative light. Why do we do that? Why do we so easily stray from our true emotions, all because a few key points in our life where somebody "did us wrong". It's not worth it! I don't want to be stubborn, I don't want to be hard hearted because the love and time that I gave and invested in someone was snatched away from me. So I learn how to deal with the fact that everyone has a different idea, a different heart..and I find people who need me for who I am, and want me for what I can offer. I probably sound ridiculous right now, but I know that the material in this post truly does change peoples personalities, it truly does bring hate and bitterness into lives, so don't let it. Be patient when waiting for people to care about you back, don't become impatient, don't let bitterness be the reason to stop investing into people 100%. Great relationships deserve to have both parties lay everything out on the line..that's what's exciting about friendship. REAL EMOTION. 

Sorry if this is nothing any of you wanted to read about tonight, I am. I just like being different in the ways that I look at friendships and the way that I look at investing in people and caring about people in ways that most people probably wouldn't understand. I guess the idea of the post, is to not be discouraged over some bad experiences we've had with friends or people we care about, not letting them ruin how we treat people from then on out. I will continue to care, and be passionate about the people I consider close to me. I find that my truthfulness and honesty in friendships either turns people away or allows for awesome bonds. With that, I bow out...and say good luck to your efforts in loving PEOPLE. Don't be scared to let yourself FEEL what an amazing relationship feels like.

Will your life be one many remember?

I haven't written in ages it feels like, not because I haven't been able to think of anything, but because I have been lazy. I wanted to talk tonight about purpose, or things that define us, and I'm sure plenty of you won't enjoy that, but I'll go for it anyway. 

I lay here thinking about how other people perceive me or how other people will remember me, and you might think "Why does he care what other people think". But how can we be so blind to how we are perceived by others? I don't think it's a bad thing to want to be liked, to want to be remembered for being something great in particular. I always here how people don't care what people think of them...and I don't understand that. I'm not chasing fame here, or praise from people on how I live my life, but I am telling you that I want people to remember me for being above and beyon'd just THAT GUY. Take a step back and look at your life, I'll do the same. How did we treat people, how did we communicate, what life style did we choose that many will remember us by, did we invest time into people on anything but a surface type relationship? I'm rambling I know, but thinking about how I can have a positive effect on people and hopefully help people in whatever way possible. That's what's important to me. I find it very often that people are afraid to change into somebody they want to be, but because others perceive them a certain way and have this image of the person, it causes them to continue living the same way and limits their own potential in life. Maybe I'm wrong, or my ideas are crazy, but I see peoples eyes..I see people wanting different, wanting to break free from old habits and whatever they find negative in their life, but I see others holding them back..and it's a shame. So maybe this is for the people who need hope or a way to say, ok..I can change, I can start new. God's given me a purpose, sure I don't know what that is yet or I am completely oblivious to it, but that's exciting to me. I want to pursue whatever that might be and continue living in a way that would hopefully be pleasing to my Savior. When people are gathered in a group and your name gets dropped, will good come out of that groups mouths..isn't it exciting to want to hear good things of yourself? It makes me passionate about working on myself and working on ways to change. By no means am I saying everyone is going to like me, and yes, that's probably an impossible feat, but I am saying it is worth fighting to be remembered and loved for being passionate about postive things in this world, not for how many beers you could chug, or girls/guys you could get, or $'s you made. I'm sorry if those are your passions...I hope they aren't. I'm looking your friends eye to eye right now, and we're discussing your life...every detail, are you excited to learn how much people respect you, how much people will trust you with your life, how they love you, or is it the complete opposite? "No regrets" right? I can't stand when I hear that haha. That only gives us reason to continue living the same way..and I don't know about you, but I don't want that. I've said a lot of non sense tonight I can tell, but I guess that's just the fun in this. I guess the idea in this would be to start being conscience about how we are perceived by any and everyone. We never know when people will be watching us or needing us to be the best "me" we can be. I'll be working on this until I am being put into my big o'l coffin. 

Senegalese grab bag

I don't know what to talk about, let's face it. So the only thing I know to do is tell more stories. Stories that I love to tell, and memories that even though sucky at the time, are amazing to me now. I don't really know where to start or how I'm going to organize which ones go in which order, or even how much detail I can remember on certain ones, but we will try our best. I will start with my most exciting memory, at the time not so much...but as a grown man it doesn't get better telling this one.

"It's raining seeds"

If you stood on the left side of our house and looked away from the home, all you could see were jungle like forests with big tall trees and very small pathways. Directly to the side of our house we had a lot of shade, most of that shade came from a very large tree that overlooked our compound. And on that tree was the thing that brought me closest to death I've ever been. ( not that close ) Growing on that tree was a wonderful fruit that my friends and I used to eat on a daily basis it felt like, it was my favorite fruit that was available to us in the village with that must ease. So we climbed the tree and we gathered as much fruit as we felt like for the day. Biting into it for the first time I remember thinking how great the sweet and sour taste of it was, and then discovering that it had a pit, or seed if you'd like to call it, in the middle of it. I remember asking my best friend Ferdinand if this seed was edible, and he said yes..along with all the other kids. I watched everyone swallow those pits and so I did too. And that was the last I thought of it for the time being. I don't really remember the time frame, probably a week and a half or 2 had passed and I hadn't been able to go to the restroom, not knowing that my daily fruit trips were probably the reason for this problem. Being a grown man at the age of 8 and all, I didn't tell anyone...not my mom or my dad, and I was okay with that, because I was a man. It was a Sunday beach trip that changed my stubborn mindset, as I was alone off to the right side of the beach I played at so much I remember feeling very sharp pains in my stomach, to the point of dropping my manly self to my knees. I had NO IDEA what was wrong with me, so I tried pooping you guys...and I couldn't, I could not poop to save the life of me. As I was hiding behind a rock, pushing my last guts out, something whispered in my ear "STOP BEING A FOOL AND TELL YOUR MOTHER" ( not really ) but I did! I walked back to the beach where my mom and dad were at and she knew instantly something was wrong with me. I told her I couldn't poop and that I hadn't been able to for quite some time..she freaked out in a very calm manner. She said let's go try again! so I proved her my pooping wasn't up to par and she realized I had something wrong with me. I don't remember the drive home because I was in so much pain, but I do remember us all walking into the house and my mom having everyone else stay out in the living room. As I was waiting in my room my mom walked in with a few buckets and a Hot water pad ( enema kit ) and so the games began! I remember crying and thinking dear God, this tube is going to go up my butt?! And yes...yes it did. As the warm water slowly started to do it's thing I remember telling my mom I need the bucket, false alarm...just pee for round one. No sooner than a few seconds things became intense, and not so fun. Sitting on the bucket I remember an almost machine gun like effect ( I usually make the noise with my mouth but this will have to do ) just shooting these pits out into the bucket in what felt like eternity. I was screaming bloody murder, as I kept unloading into the first bucket. When things had died down, collecting myself as best as I could...the damage turned out to almost two buckets filled and 40 something seeds. ( they were big ) I don't remember anything after that, probably because I had passed out very soon after, but what I do know is that going through that pain gives me an idea of what pregnancy might be like haha. My intestines were screwed up for years after that day, but never did I get mad at my friends for allowing me to consume those pits. I'm thankful for that experience. 

"Hangin' around"

I used to play soccer all the time, and not on your typical grass field. We played on a sand field so I always came home very dirty, looking like some sort of sand creature. After a day of soccer one day I remember coming home and having to go to the restroom. ( for whatever reason I didn't just pop a squat in the bush ) I remember walking through the door and wondering why it was so quiet, as if nobody was home or like it was a Sunday afternoon. Anywho! I went to the bathroom and took a squat. Sitting there, taking care of business, I was almost done...I had one last push before I retired from the activity. That last push was the reason behind my story. I remember wondering why this last hanger would not leave me alone, I squeezed, I shook around and danced my way around the toilet and NOTHING would drop. I got very frustrated and decided I needed to go in for a closer look. I stood up and looked in between my legs, only to discover an enormous tape worm just dangling there. No scream came from my mouth, just a simple head tilt and "hmmm". I had battled with that worm long enough, and I was not about to let him get the upper hand. ( I know worms don't have hands ) I called for my mom to come in and take a look, I don't remember what she said but I just remember laughing about it. So after the laughing subsided, the pushing and dancing and hip actions continued. There was no way this worm was going to hang around any longer. After a hard fought battle, that enormous worm fell from my danger zone. And he splashed hard. It's victories like this that make the strong men in life...and I WON. 

So there are two more stories for you guys...I have a hard time adding more because I write so much with each one, so more will follow. I give every single one of you permission to tell these stories if you'd like, because that's the fun in it. With all of this being said, I leave you with this quote from Counting Crows...

       "I've been hangin' around"

P.s. Sorry for the people who read when I first posted this link, for whatever reason part of the story was deleted, so I had to re-write it. I changed it up some.